Giving it up...

I didn't think I would wright for another two weeks or so, but I found myself at my computer journaling so I figured why not just blog. . . . .

We had church service this morning it starts for me at 9:30 due to they have Sunday school in the morning and being that I dont even understand the church service Pastor Maula doesn't require me to sit through 4hours of creole so I dont have to be at Sunday school. Luckily today I had someone sit by me that speaks a little english so he translated some of the service for me.


I'm going on being here for two weeks now. The days have not been all so easy lately. Like I have said before they go very slow but I am beginning to realize that its not because it is hot its is because my days aren't filled with many things. My mornings are very well occupied with waking the children, eating breakfast, doing my bible study and then exercise with the children at 10:15 - 10:55 and one day of the week for and hour or so teaching hygiene as well as sunday evening teaching children's church but after these things I feel like a sitting duck or better yet a facebook stalker. It is hard trying to find things to occupy my time while the children are in school. I get very antsy just hanging out and I feel as if I am being ineffective. So needless to say Jesus is really teaching me patience and that life doesn't always have to be go, go, go, do, do, do... This is a very hard lesson for me because when I am home if  I dont have something to do, I leave home and go find something to do. It is not that easy here though. I cant just leave and go walk around when I please. Its not safe for me to do that being an American well really just being that I am a white women, because I stand out more...Obviously.

I have gone through many mixed emotions since being here. Three things are certain though. I love this country, I love the children and the people and I KNOW God has brought me here for a reason but... yes there is a but, sometimes I just wanna lay on the floor like a young child flailing my arms kicking my legs and scream and cry out to God and demand him to speak to me on what he wants me to do and if he doesn't then I am gonna call it quits. Now do or would I really do that? No but sometimes I sure do feel like doing and saying that.... Honestly I was expecting my spiritual life to have even more zest and zeal to it when I got here but... It hasn't I have felt very disconnected from the Spirit. Which I know is a lie from the enemy but let me tell you he is a good lier. Even more so when your in a country that he has so much power and control over....

God had made a fighter though when it comes to battling the enemy and I will not let him win, I will not let him feed me lies any longer and I will not allow the saying to be to true "idle time is the devils time" because my challenge to myself this week is that with the idle time GOD is giving me to not look at it as "I'm so bored" or "I wish I had something to do" but to look at it like God is saying to me "Rachael here is this time to really dive into the word, to pray and seek out my heart for you and this country." I mean if I think about it I am really blessed to have that time. There are so many people I know back home that have such busy schedules and there just praying that God opens up a large time slot they can just dedicate to him. So today I am declaring before the Lord and you guys that I will really began to just open my heart, mind, ears and body up to God every time I have idle time. I will Really listen to what he has to teach me, how he wants to grow me and also what HE wants me to pray for. In time I truly think that when I un-concisely become content with that God will open doors, the doors for me to do more of his evangelistic work. The hands on, time consuming work that I love ever so much to do.

Gosh God is always trying to teach me something and grow my character in some way especially when I am in the mission field, probably because I have no other choice then to listen to him. I cant allow the worldly ways to take control because if I do its going to be a long miserable next few months

 I have been catching myself often thinking about how when I let God work in me and give it all to him everyday he works through me...

Just a little story of him doing just that.....

When I first got to China I was so excited to be there and excited for what I had planned on doing ( key words WHAT I HAD PLANNED on doing). That excitement soon turned into frustration because the work we went there to do with the college students as well as another ministry that must remain nameless to protect there work. I felt like my heart wasn't in it. I couldn't for the life of me understand this. I was so happy before to do be involved in these ministries  Why all of a sudden was it so hard for me, where did my passion go?
     I was having trouble making friends at the university ( which is so strange because I make friends anywhere I go ). I felt like my heart wasn't in the right place for the women's ministry. I was beginning to get angry with myself. After a few weeks of that I started getting angry with God. Finally one night while listening to a Francis Chan sermon God really spoke to my heart and showed me the road blocks. The first one, was in the college ministry. I wasn't depending on God to create friendships. I was depending on my self and taking credit for my outgoing personality. Instead of what I should have been doing was praising God for giving me that personality and gifts to make friends wherever I go. Also he showed me the second friday I was in China when we were visiting the mosque, what he called me there to do. I had just chosen to ignore it then, but he had already broken my heart for the elderly muslim people and the beggars on the side of the street. But because that wasn't what I planned on doing the prior three months and because thats not what my team was doing I thought I couldn't do that. I was wrong though because my leaders pushed to us to listen to what God was wanting us to do. He was just calling me differently. Finally the morning after I listend to that sermon during worship and praise I just cried out to God and gave all control to him and said "Jesus I am nothing without you, I cant do this alone I need your help, your guidance and your power. God please help me put in my heart your desires for me and for China"... Wow!!! He did just that he showed me that he had already spoken to my heart and he was just waiting for me to listen. When I finally did listen and prayed what he put in my heart about helping the elderly muslims as well as the beggers. I began praying that morning and asked him (more like begged him) to just send an elderly women into my life that I could just love on and speak life into. That same exact day he did just want I prayed. Later that afternoon in the most random spot that was not in the midst of the city where beggers usually were. There sat a women and a Muslim women at that. She had no food, worn out clothes, she was def and we did not speak the same language but I knew this was God putting her in front of me. So I sat down on the ground next to here wrapped my arms around her and she accepted that hug as if she had never had one . I began rubbing lotion on her dirt covered hands and massaged them for a while then I drew her a picture with some verses on it gave her a bracelet that I had made and randomly had in my bag. I pointed to the sky and then symboled praying hands and asked if I could pray over her. She accepted, so i began to pray. I prayed for sorrow you could see in her eyes the loss of hearing she was suffering from as well as her enteral life through that prayer I could really feel the presence of the Holy Spirit I knew this was God ordained. After the prayer she began tugging at her ears and had the biggest smile and started shaking my hands as if she was saying thank you and mumbling was mumbling Chinese and I could tell she was so happy and thankful. That right there spoke many words to my heart and soul. I knew this was what God brought me to China for. If God only used me to make a difference in her life I was okay with that. Although I wasn't allowing him stop there (as if I really have any control over him anyways)... I started going into parts of the city I knew these people would be as well as every friday I would be at the mosque. Janna and I made bracelets so I could give to these women also I would make a canister of tea and pack my backpack full and go spend time with these women through out the week. I was finally at peace there. God didn't stop with just that though he began opening up friendships in the collage ministry for me. Needless to say my last month or so in China was very, very busy. The girls in my house would always say your always gone! I would be up early and out late but thats what I liked and thats where God wanted me. I ended up going from hating China to loving it. All because I removed myself and all MY ways and let God take charge and he did just that.

I shared this story with you all because not only is it an awesome story of how God works. But because thats kind of where I am at right now... Waiting on God and allowing him to work on me so he can work through me. So please continue your prayers for me, but I am asking for a few specific prayers this time... Pray that I have patience in waiting, pray that I really use my time wisely and spend it with God that I get lost in his heart and his desires so that I can bring to Haiti what he truly brought me here to do. Thank you all so much for supporting me to be here through caring prayer and also thank you for taking the time to read and listen to what I have to say. You are really making a difference by praying for me and for these children God is using you right now in Haiti. Crazy and awesome to think that God uses us and makes differences through us when were thousands of miles apart. I bet you didnt wake up this morning thinking God was going to use you today to help change a heart and life in Haiti!!! Well surprise he is!!! I will be the first person to tell you it doesnt stop there God uses us everyday even when we dont realize it. He is always filled with surprises, my favorite saying is... "Unlock the mysteries of God, Jesus is the key". I love and thank you all God bless you!!!